Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind
You should have known -
Oh
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own all 'cause you won't listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind
You should have know
Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete -
Oh
Now I'm done believing you
You dont know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find my own
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all 'cause you won't listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind
You should have known -
Oh
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screaming out and my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own all 'cause you won't listen
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind
You should have know
Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete -
Oh
Now I'm done believing you
You dont know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find my own
My own
-beyonce
-beyonce
Lately, gue merasa kosong. Ga tau juga kosong kenapa. Sempet kepikiran karena masalah gue dengan pacar gue, tapi gue sama dia fine-fine aja. Sama ortu, uda lagu lama banget. Apakah dengan tempat kuliah gue? Gue akui, hingga sekarang gue masih merasa "faking it" banget disini. Gue bener-bener berusaha banget buat moving on, melupakan angan gue sebagai dokter bedah, tapi apakah itu yang bener-bener gue inginkan? Satu sisi gue merasa sayang dengan uang ortu yang telah dikeluarkan buat kuliahin gue di fakultas yang cukup mahal ini, tapi di satu sisi gue merasa kosong karena tidak mempelajari yang gue inginkan.
Pengen banget rasanya balik ke masa lalu gue, belajar lebih giat lagi, mungkin biar gue bisa jadi nomer satu diangkatan, lebih aktif lagi di organisasi, dan yang terpenting lebih keras lagi usaha gue dalam mengejar impian gue itu. Kalau perlu ga usa cari cara biar bisa istirahat sebentar asalkan bisa mendapatkan apa yang gue inginkan. Tapi itu semua harus gue tinggalin di belakang. Sekarang gue uda dapet tempat kuliah yang tidak semua orang bisa masuk. Banyak orang bilang prospek-nya bagus, tapi apakah iya? karena hingga saat ini gue melihat dengan mata kepala gue sendiri bahwa senior-senior gue yang uda lulus tidak sesukses yang dikatakan orang-orang. Hal ini kan bikin gue jadi mikir dua kali untuk meneruskannya.
Hidup dalam penyesalan bener-bener ga enak. Tapi kuliah karena keterpaksaan lebih ga enak lagi. Jujur gue jealous banget lihat adek gue yang direstui oleh ortu gue buat kuliah di luar. Gue sendiri bingung kenapa adek gue boleh sementara gue ga. Hasil TOEFL gue lolos (510), accepted di salah dua community college terkemuka pula (Langara College and Columbia College) yang kuliahnya nanti tinggal pilih mau di University of British Columbia (UBC) atau University of Toronto (UoT) -tanya sama Canadians, UBC dan UoT memang sudah terbukti kualitasnya dan well recommended-, karena gue berprestasi waktu SMA gue dikandidatkan buat dapet scholarship. Tapi tetep aja gue bingung, kenapa ortu gue ga bolehin gue pergi sementara adek gue boleh. Adek gue murni masih tanggungan ortu selama dia diluar nanti meanwhile gue uda dapet scholars (almost). Apakah ini yang disebut keadilan? Apakah rasa sayang ortu yang mengekang ini bener-bener penting dan wajib untuk dilakukan? Terbukti kok sekarang siapa yang lebih merana. Kehidupan gue bener-bener hilang, bahkan keinginan gue buat hidup sudah hampir hilang, gue merasa buat apa gue berjuang lagi kalau keinginan gue ga akan gue dapatkan, kalaupun dapet apakah akan diijinkan? Have no passion(s), no spirits, hidup hanya sebagai salah satu rutinitas yang harus gue jalani tinggal menunggu dipanggil.
I am not at home in my own home ..
